Blackpool: an electric lit-up phallus, monster bingo and grab-a-granny – anything else you need to know? Oh, it’s got those free streetside bicycles now, but has anyone figured out how they work yet? Because we want to look as cool as those Parisians whizzing home at the wee hours – but then, are we ever going to look as cool as a Parisian doing anything?
So, now that you’ve realized your life is void without having been to Blackpool you’ll need a strong drink at the Pump and Truncheon which, although a brilliant name for a gay bar is in fact a locals' ale house for the market traders – doubt any of them will want to chat with you about the aesthetics of Sacha Baron Cohen’s Hot Pants.
Then it has to be off to the Transvestite Flamenco Show at Funny Girls. Or, you could just ride the Big One Rollercoaster all day, and go back to the Imperial Hotel Barcelo-hotels.co.uk and get sick all night. Choices choices.