Rumbles in the jungle in Goa

It’s a bit like Big Brother at the 'Total Body Rebalancing Retreat' at The Beach House, Goa. The end of day one, everybody is too exhausted to realize what is happening to them, and their bodies. Day two, and there aren’t so many smiles at the breakfast bar – that's because there isn’t any breakfast bar to begin with. Day three, and after the lymphatic drainage massage, one of the house guests starts making steak and kidney pie shaped sand castles on the beach in front of the house. Day four, another house guest is heard screaming as they are locked away in their room for a self-administered colonic. You get the idea….

The Beach House, on Sernabatim Beach in Goa, is all about the Ayurverdic – which translates as bland food, but probably will make you feel healthy enough to drink the petrol from the motorboat tied to the pier and still feel fine. The spa is a cluster of luxurious bamboo huts (you can use the bamboo to beat yourself) around a central yoga centre with amazing views of the beach. (But then Alcatraz had great views too...)

If you feel the need to cleanse like never before and probably lose your mind along the way, whip out £1,375 and check out thebeachhousegoa.com.

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